First phase is finished. Finally. It went out with a bang with the stomach flu followed by a 55 hour migraine…worst I’ve had yet. There’s celebration to be had for the end of a phase, but none that doesn’t come delivered in the same package as fear. I have to start over in increasing dosage for new medicines, and full dose of those could possibly (or probably) bring more pain than the last phase of full dose.
Two rows of clothes hang in the closet that are waiting their turn to be worn, taking a backseat to the few pairs of sweatpants and loose t-shirts. Same outfits throughout the week because comfort now comes before fashion… comfort now comes before braving changes. Funny how we can pick the comfiest clothes and yet still be uncomfortable in our own skin. No amount of clothing can cover the color of our heart. I can wear layers upon layers to cover up the weight lost or plenty of makeup to hide the scars of this disease, but underneath all those layers, I’m really clothed in fear and discouragement, and it hugs my being tight. Onlookers might think the our outfits scream “well put together” and the smiles yell “all is perfect”, oh, if they could but see underneath. Judgment comes clothed too, and all too often in misunderstanding.
To be real is to be human…If we are not being real but we are intentionally and constantly trying to create a different image of ourselves to show to others, are we really doing them a service? Not only are we misleading others when we create a false image for them to see, but in this we are doing them a disservice–what can they learn from our being fake? How can they be encouraged through our facade of a perfect life?
The truth is, I’m not strong through all this. If anything this has all shown me how weak I am…and this is okay. This fact just proves how much I am in desperate need of my Savior. This whole season is nothing if anything but proof that God is stronger than it all and is carrying me through it. If I make it through an awful night, it’s because I am filled with the strength of Christ, and if I wake up the next day still breathing and fully alive, it’s because of God’s grace.
And this is good to realize that I am so weak. I am human and I can’t handle many things life throws at me…but that’s the point. The sooner we realize the blatant truth about our small, human strength, the sooner we realize just how mighty and powerful His is.
The moment we realize our lack of strength is the moment we realize His abundance of it.
And that’s the moment we stop striving.
God gives us just enough strength to get through each moment. No matter how difficult, God will match that situation with His strength, so we don’t need to be worried for each situation to come.
God acts in ways parallel to His size. –Susie Larson
And we serve a BIG God.
We can wake up and remember that because we are His, we are already clothed in
grace that is greater than any shame
peace that triumphs over any fear
love that fills the deepest emptiness
and righteousness that covers any sin.
How much more of a mature mind would we create if we knew that comfort can’t be chosen instead of change, but God can be chosen to be our comfort within the change. We cling to what we know is safe and comfortable, but how did we forget that we are already in the arms of the One who is safe and brings all comfort. In the stepping through the storm, we’re already clothed in the protection of His love, and this is weatherproof.
And the weakness and desire for comfort are etched into our skin like a fingerprint, but for a good reason all the more…they point us to Him, because there is nothing like the gravity of our circumstances and feelings that can so highlight the sovereignty of Christ.